Thanks for joining us for the virtual book club on The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile! It’s easy to participate. Just read the book and then at your own convenience, add your thoughts to the comments section. You can respond to any of these discussion questions—or just say what you thought of the book.
And as a bonus, I’ll give away a free book to one lucky commenter!
***
I am a geek about personality types of all kinds—Myers-Briggs, the five love languages, even what your coffee selection says about your reading style. So suffice it to say I was fairly giddy when I starting hearing buzz about the Enneagram. A type system with a spiritual twist? Sign me up already! But the books I read just didn’t seem to click for me. I found myself unsure of my number (whatever that was) and confused about how this applied to my life.
Until I found The Road Back to You. This was the book I’d been looking for—one that brought the Enneagram from an esoteric level into real life. Ever since, I’ve been urging as many people as possible to read it—if only so we can share the same lingo (“Oh, that’s definitely what a 2 would do!” or “She must be a 7!”).
Discussion #1: The Spiritual Implications
One thing I found unique (and at times squirm-inducing) is that unlike other personality tests, the Enneagram doesn’t just pat you on the back and say, “Aww, you’re a golden retriever! Good for you! You are special!” It focuses not only on your strengths but also on your proclivity to sin. It’s not just about what you do but why you do it—your deeper motivations.
As I read, I found myself doing some gut-level introspection. Why do I do this? Why do I fall into this cycle with my loved one? And while this was convicting and at times uncomfortable, it was a growing experience for me to dig into parts of myself I take for granted and open my eyes to the unique temptations I face based on the way I’m wired.
To know oneself is, above all, to know what one lacks. It is to measure oneself against Truth, and not the other way around.
Brother Dave
Did you learn anything about yourself as you read this book? Did you buy the concept of the Enneagram—that each type has certain strengths but is also driven by a particular sin?
Discussion #2: What’s Your Number?
One thing that surprised me about the Enneagram is that it wasn’t a straightforward process to determine my number. With other personality tests, I tend to get pretty consistent results, but in this case I took several different tests and got several different numbers. After doing some research, I found that this is not uncommon. And according to people much more well versed in the Enneagram than I am, the wrestling you go through on your way to discovering your number is actually an important part of the process. It forces us to dig deeper into who we really are and what makes us tick.
After back-and-forthing for a while, I think I’m a 6 (the Loyalist), which means my besetting sin is fear. I read somewhere that the description that makes you most uncomfortable is probably the one you are, and that sounds about right!
The original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us end up hardly living out of it at all. Instead we live out all the other selves, which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.
Frederick Buechner
What do you think your number is? Do you think it’s possible for people’s number to change over time?
Discussion #3: Diagnosing Other People
I know, I know—the authors urged us to worry more about our own number than other people’s, but I can’t help but diagnose everyone I meet now! Anyone with me? This may have downsides (I don’t want to box anyone in), but overall I’ve found the Enneagram to be helpful in understanding the people I love. When I can see what life is like through the lens of their unique disposition, I have more empathy and more ability to understand what they act the way they do.
For me to be a saint means to be myself.
Thomas Merton
Do you find yourself trying to type other people too? Has this book given you any insights into the people you love?
Rating
I would give this book 5 stars—not because it’s a literary masterpiece but because it has prompted hours of the good kind of introspection and some really meaningful conversations with friends. I recommend that you read it and then loan it to a friend. Then go get a big cup of coffee together and talk about until you get kicked out of the coffee shop!
If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, I also recommend the podcast that goes along with the book.
Remember: I’m giving away a free book to one lucky commenter!
I haven’t read this book but sounds right up my alley. I’d love a copy! 🙂
I am reading it right now and find myself not wanting to fall asleep because I just want to figure out a little more! I am a geek about personality tests as well 🙂
Oh, fun! You’ll have to let me know what you decide about your number.
OH my goodness, I loved this book so so much! I keep bothering my friends by talking about it. In fact, I’m asking for a copy for my birthday to use in my writing. Other personality typing tools are so long and complicated, or short and simplistic. Nine personalty types feels complicated enough to be a fairy true reflection of the complicated people around us but not so in depth as to be of no use to me in writing or in daily life. It took me a long time to figure out my number, though a very short time to figure out my husbands! But after much thought and introspection I think that I am a 4 (the romantic) with a very strong 5 (the investigator) wing. So funny that I am part of the most emotional number and part the least emotional number. This line leaped out at me “You are more than what you feel.” Yep, something that I have slowly learned to tell myself. What a wonderful tool and I love the section that talks about if you love someone who is that number. So many insights for loving my 8 (peacemaker) husband!
This book made me gasp when I came to my number, then laugh. Then cry. Same experience when I read parts that described my adult daughter. We both felt so purposed . As if the kinks in our temperament were not accidents, and our default sins were both understood and forgivable. If was like a love letter from a wise and merciful God saying, ” you don’t have to hide, I already know. I put you together that way on purpose.
Now come, follow me.”
That is so beautiful, Cheryl! I love how God reveals things to us like that. I felt the same exact way. I wasn’t a mistake or I am not crazy!
Cheryl, I love this! God is so tender with his children.
That is so beautiful, Cheryl! I love how God reveals things to us like that. I felt the same exact way. I wasn’t a mistake or I am not crazy!
That sounds like you, Kristen! I found it easier to peg other people than myself too.
I loved this book so much! I took a test online before I read it and my result was a 2, The Helper. So, when I got the book, I read the intro and then I went right to the number 2. As I was reading it, I identified with many things, but there were somethings I didn’t think applied to me. Many people say that I am warm and inviting and such. I started reading other chapters as I had my friends take the test. One friends result was a 9, The Peacemaker, so I started reading that chapter, and man, everything struck out to me in that chapter!! Many things that I said to describe me!! I have often said that I feel like I am asleep to my true self, but I don’t know how to wake up. I don’t want to miss out on life because I am scared or because I don’t have the courage to go out and do what I really want to do. In the beginning, it said that 9’s forget. I was like, no, I am not really forgetful, but then it said “Nines forget their opinions, preferences and priorities. Instead merge with the feelings, viewpoints and pursuits of others and in so doing they erase themselves…Nines neglect their soul’s summons to identify, name and assert what they want in life and to go hard after it.” I have also said that I am a “jack-of-all- trades but a master of none.” I have done a wide variety of things in school and in my jobs, but I don’t feel like I have found my calling yet. Another thing that stuck out to me too was that it said that 9’s don’t feel like they have anything to say… but that is not true. That is something that I have struggled with pretty much my entire life. I am getting out of my comfort zone to be able to tell people what I think. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and hard evaluating about myself since reading this book. It almost all makes sense now why I do some of the things that I do. I love that it didn’t just end with your weaknesses, but it gave you things to overcome those things. O! And another thing that is a total me thing, it’s hard for me to get started on projects, but once I do, it just flows so easy and I accomplish what I need to get done… it’s just getting to that point. I tend to watch TV or do something else that will distract me from what I really need to do.
My husband (a camp director) is a nine. He is such an amazing and wonderful man, using his peacemaker skills to love kids and staff here at camp. But when I read the chapter on 9s I just laughed and laughed. It was so him! You are in good company if you are a 9!
Allyson, I so admire you for doing the hard work of digging deep to find out how God wired you! He is smiling on your endeavor–I know it!
I admit that I was skeptical at first about mixing the personality traits with spiritual principals but I feel like the Enneagram pulls it off. I was intrigued by the deadly sins. “Learning to manage your deadly sin rather than allowing it to manage you is on of the goals of the Enneagram.” I feel like I identified the most with the Number 1 description but I would have never described myself as an angry person. But when he explained that it was internalized anger that made more sense. I believe the diagram and description of how it all works allows for change over time due to the interconnection of the traits to others. I am not normally an analyzer, taking most things at face value, but it was interesting to think about what number some others around me might be. I would give the book four and a half stars as it was a good read and kept my interest even in the numbers that I don’t relate to at all. It would not have been on my radar to read but I am glad that I read it. Good choice Stephanie!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It has been fun to discuss it together. 🙂
I learned about the Enneagram about 10 years ago and was pretty sure I was a 1. But after revisiting this framework and taking the test, I thought I might be a 2. After listening to it on Audible, I thought I was maybe a 9 and listened to it with my husband and he confirmed that I am more of a 9 (with a 1 wing). I love the growth and health and stress ideas that provide so much insight. And there is definitely plenty of discomfort and comfort in being more fully known.
I think it is good there are so many enneagram books out there. My husband is a 5, but didn’t feel like this description was as helpful or spot on as another book we had read that went into more detail. I think this one is relatively short, easy to understand & I liked the practical points.
I love what you said about there being both discomfort and comfort in being known! So insightful.
This book was my introduction to the Enneagram after reading about it in a number of places but not really having any idea what it entailed. I was surprised to find myself on the Anger Triad, but the more I thought about it, the more it made complete sense. I’m encouraging my husband to read this because I think it can be truly helpful in understanding colleagues. I think it will also be helpful in parenting our adult children (would have been super-helpful when they were younger, too!) and in guiding our interactions with our grandchildren, who are already exhibiting their distinct personalities and needs. One size does not fit all. I appreciated the easy-to-read nature of the book and that each chapter included the strengths and opportunities of each number. It was definitely a thought-provoker. Thanks for picking it for Book Club!
So glad you participated, Elizabeth! And I’m glad you are finding it a helpful tool in your relationships.
This was a great read! I am also a personality geek and knew a little bit about the Enneagram, but I was glad to get more depth in such an enjoyable and readable form. Based on what I’d read, I went into the book fully expecting to be a 6, so I thought I’d have several chapters to warm up before getting hit personally. 🙂 I was really surprised when I identified with so much in the 9 (peacemaker) chapter and admit I had to put the book down for a while to process. Somehow I was way more okay with the idea of my besetting sin being fear than sloth. And as others have commented, I would not have described myself as angry, but as I read more, it fit. Ultimately it’s been helpful to see myself through a new lens and I really appreciated the author’s gentle tone. He obviously gets that this stuff can be painful! And while I’m trying not to pigeonhole everyone I know and love, the profiles are great for seeing what the world looks like through personalities very different from my own. Really helpful for empathy and communication. I think I’ll go back to this book frequently. Thanks for steering me toward it, Stephanie!
Thanks for using one of your nonfiction slots for this book! It has been fun to discuss it with you. And you know, sloth just has an extra-bad connotation. Let’s think of a synonym!
I’ve been surprised that my Myers-Briggs type has changed over the years. I guess I imagined it being more of a fixed thing. Recently I saw this interesting TED talk on change: https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_you_are_always_changing#t-393509
(Funny that the TED talk guy’s name is Dan Gilbert. 🙂 )
Anyway, this book featured in your virtual book club sounds very interesting to me!
That’s fascinating that your MB has changed! What is it now?
I think it’s ESFP now. I remember in college I rang up an INTP! ????? Does mood affect one’s results?
Oh wow, that’s amazing! Maybe you’re close to the middle in all categories? Fascinating!
Your book seems like a precious resource in my mission to propagate the virtue of Compassion, as the emerging paradigm of our times. the Enneagram seems the perfect path.
I live in India, where books like yours are prohibitively prices, for the likes of me, for sure.
I’d be grateful if you made your labor of love available to me, gratis.
Blessings
Janet
8mbod4